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Words Hurt

Richy and Rose Then and Now

Words hurt.  That little childhood rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”… that’s a lie.  Words can be some of the single most painful things you ever have to deal with in your life.

A couple of weeks ago I posted this picture (on the left) on Facebook.   It’s a picture taken of me and Richy way back in 1995.  It was Spring Fling week at the community college where we met.  We had been dating only a couple of months at the time and he asked me to the dance.   I’ll admit it – I was already totally in love with him.

It wasn’t even a formal dance but we decided to go all out and really “do it up” that night.  He rented a tux; I wore a floor length gown and beautiful white satin rhinestone heels and matching long white gloves.   It was good times… fun times, and a perfect memory.

Anyway, I posted the picture because it made me happy – we were happy.  We were young and cute and fun and in love.

But when I posted that picture, I used the caption “So young”.

So Thin blur

And then a day or two later, someone who used to be a big part of my life posted, “so thin”.

I felt like I’d been sucker-punched.

When I read it, tears welled up in my eyes.  Suddenly I felt very small (obviously not literally) and ashamed.    I might have said something very ugly out loud.

Why would she do that?  Say that?  I felt humiliated and I knew that every other person who had liked and commented on that photo got that notification and saw her comment.  I wanted to disappear.

I wanted to delete the picture altogether.   And every other picture of myself on Facebook.

I’ve gained more than 60 pounds since my college days.  I’m not proud of that.  Every single time I post a picture of myself online, I see it.

I know I’m fat.   It’s not a secret to me.  I know I’m not that girl from 20 years ago.  She didn’t need to point it out to me.

I wish it were different and I know the power to change it lies with me.  I own that.  But…

Family Portrait Landscape WM

I also know that I’ve given birth to 6 children and I run a cake business and two websites that means I have sugar-loaded treats in my house all.the.time.   I’m busy and overwhelmed and I don’t take care of myself like I should,  None of those are excuses… they’re just facts.  Losing weight is hard.  Accepting myself “as is” is hard.

But I really, really don’t need my faults pointed out to me publicly.

And before you go defending the person who said it (because I’d truly love to give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t mean it like I took it), know this:  it’s not the first time she’s hurt me with words.

When she was a regular part of my life, more than once she belittled me by pointing out my flaws… with my body, my weight, with my kids, with my decisions.    She  never hesitated to make me feel “not enough”.  And that went on for almost 10 years.

Let me add that she married into my immediate family – it wasn’t a situation where I could just cut off the relationship.

But things are different now.  A divorce has happened (and it wasn’t me 😉 ).

It took a few hours before I made a decision, but ultimately, I deleted the comment.  And un-friended the person.

She hasn’t been a part of my “real life” in a long long time and I haven’t seen her for years but I felt the need to keep her as a friend on Facebook because, well… I guess I felt sorry for her. I’ve prayed for her many times over the years and I always hoped that somehow she’d be different.

In my own weird way, I though that maybe keeping her as a friend might somehow have an influence on her life.  No more.  I said a prayer for her (again) as I deleted her.   But I’m done.

People… I know it’s not a secret, but words hurt.  Be careful what you say.

Word cannot ever be taken back.  They can’t be undone.  And they can have a life-long effect.

From now on, every time I see that picture of Richy and me, I won’t think about the joy I was feeling that night in the early months of us dating and dancing together in college … but instead I’ll see that picture and be reminded of her comment. Those two words.  so thin.

I pray that this thing that happened will be a reminder to me to watch my own mouth.  And always be kind and uplifting and never tearing anyone down with my words.

One of my favorite verses, and something I often pray when I’m angry or worried about saying something I’ll regret, is this one, ”  Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (from Psalms 19:14)

I hope you’ll pray the same thing.

Ephesians 4:29:  Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Matthew 12:36-37: I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

Proverbs 13:3:  Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

Psalm 19:14:  Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Luke 6:45:  The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Words Hurt

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  1. Rose,
    When I saw that picture of you and Ritchie it made my heart smile. So beautiful & handsome. Obviously from a wonderful time early in your relationship that grew into an amazing, beautiful, strong, successful marriage that is an inspiration to others. “Haters gonna hate” as the song goes but know that the overwhelming majority of us (yeah, I’ll speak for them ha) see you as a beautiful strong woman who offers herself up as a shinning light in a dark world. Don’t EVER change!

      1. Rose….I read your blog and look at your cakes with jealous awe!! I make cakes but not professionally… Not only do you make beautiful cakes but like you said… You have a wonderful family to take care of too!! Just remember… People that comment hurtful words are usually the ones that are unhappy and jealous in one way or another in thier lives!! By the way…I’m 39 years older than my high school days and yes I’ve gained thst same weight!! Please don’t let people like that get you down!! Just remember the jealousy part!

  2. I have only just started following your blog and I am really enjoying it. I am saddened to hear of someone being so blatantly hurtful. I think you look beautiful and happy in both pictures.

    I love that you find solace in words from the Bible; may it bring your strength, peace and the ability to forgive. You are perfect in God’s sight, made perfect through the blood of Jesus.

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience.

  3. Rose, I am so sorry this happened to you, but I am happy you no longer have this person in your life ( or Facebook). I don’t know you personally, but to me you are a true inspiration every time I see or read something you post and I strive to be more like you! 🙂

    1. Thank you so much Kim! I’m always in awe of YOUR sweet treats and creativity and you’re just such a sweet person!! <3 Your encouragement means a lot!!

  4. I absolutely love this. You are a wonderful example to everyone. When someone hurt you, instead of hurting her back as so many would have, you prayed for her. As an outsider looking in I think you have an absolutely beautiful family, and that YOU are beautiful! No one is perfect, and many times people lash out at others when they feel their own inadequacy. You stood strong and did what was best for you to remove a negative influence to your life.

  5. I stumbled across your blog on Facebook and I’m blessed to have read your post! Facebook is such a peculiar beast in that we keep relationships alive that would have otherwise died a natural death. Thank you for giving permission to clean house when needed. I love that you prayed for this friend and then sent the friendship on its way!

  6. Oh, Rose. I am so sorry. Some people are just stupid and insensitive and don’t have a clue. You are beautiful and perfect! Girl, looking back at my pictures of when I was young and thought I was so big at the time. I miss those days! But, as we mature, grow older and give birth to children, it is only natural that we gain weight. Especially when we work like you and I do… nonstop 24 hours a day! Don’t let her comment bother you. She is the one with major issues. You are such a beautiful lady, inside and out!!!!

  7. I am a new follower and I clicked through from FB because I was curious about what was said. I was SO sad to hear that someone said something so unthoughtful and mean. I’m sorry that that happened….and very happy to hear that you deleted the comment AND unfriended her. I hope that when she discovers that you are no longer “friends”, that she sends you a message to ask why. And that you are honest with her. She needs to know that spiteful and mean comments are not how you keep friends. Perhaps she’ll learn from her mistake.

    And for what it’s worth – you are gorgeous. And you have a beautiful family. Be proud of yourself no matter what your weight. And this is coming from a girl who likely weighed the same as you in 1995 and is about the same as you now.

    Keep on doin’ the right thing!

  8. I see a beautiful couple in one picture obviously in love, and in the second picture I see the same couple after nineteen years with the same beautiful smiles and obviously still in love. How awesome is that!!

    What a blessing that you have been able to go through so many years with a commitment to each other and a commitment to Father! Your beauty shines from the inside out, and I’m sure those who know you well would agree.

    You have a husband who loves you and sees you as beautiful. (I could tell from the October posts that he is a wonderful husband to you.) And you have a Father who sees you as beautiful and made in His image. Again, how awesome is that!

  9. Rose,
    That is terrible! No one should ever do that to someone. I’m so sorry you were hurt, but proud of you for talking about it.
    You are such an amazing person. I know I don’t know you in person, but I read your blog and see your photos and think WOW! You and Richy are amazing parents and to do what you do (homeschooling, raising 6 children, a cake business and online work)., well it just amazes me! I’m glad you were strong enough to delete the negative person. Try to focus on God, your faith and your family not the negativity. When you’re feeling down, remember that your love (that began in that picture) and body created 6 lives. That’s incredible!
    Hugs from Canada! Josie

  10. i don’t know you personally but have followed you on Rose Bakes for a while now. But your post struck me and I felt led to say this. It sounds like your “friend” is not happy with her life and sees that you are happily married, blessed with wonderful children and a successful business woman. It could be that she is jealous of you and your happiness. Maybe she felt the need to belittle you in an attempt to make someone else feel as bad as she does. I am just speculating of course because I don’t know her either. But try not to let it get to you. You did the best thing you could do for her when you prayed for her.

  11. First, my jaw dropped. Then, I nearly skipped the rest of the post to tell you to delete that comment and unfriend that person!

    Glad I kept reading: “It took a few hours before I made a decision, but ultimately, I deleted the comment. And un-friended the person.”

    Smart girl! (That is an awesome photo, by the way, and you should cherish it! I look like a DORK at that time in my life.)

  12. I have followed your blog for many months and I enjoy your writing. When I looked at both pictures (before reading your story) I thought what a lucky couple they look so lovely and happy. Never in a million years did I see weight, just joy. I too have gain a LOT of weight over the years (more then 100 pounds) and I’m struggling to lose them. Please let go of the hurt, and don’t carry any shame. Rejoice in the love that you both have for each other, it shows in both pictures.

  13. Rose, you are not fat, you are pleasantly plump, like me (and half of the worlds population).
    I have a picture like that, a schooldance on valentinesday, wearing a long chinese gown, my hair in a bun with chopsticks.
    Sitting in my boyfriends lap, now my husband. 50 pounds lighter.
    Life goes as it does, nothing you can change about that now anymore.
    Embrace the people you love, shut out the people that try to take you down.
    You decide it it takes you down or not.
    She is probabely jealous of the love you two have.

  14. Rose, you are a sweetheart. I have so much I want to write to you, but I can’t see through my tears. Keep strong, God is on your side.

  15. It’s always awfull when someone uses words like a sharp knive. Just remember one thing. She must have been very jealous of what you’re doing and what you’ve achieved. She must have, she even married into your family. Instead of trying to be as succesfull as you are, she chose the easy way…. pulling you down.
    Good you chose to remove her completely from your life. Now you can grow even more. And those extra pounds you carry? Who cares? It makes you, you. Those extras will dissappear when time is ready.
    God Bless you and a big hug all the way from the Netherlands 🙂

  16. My darling, what was said to you was ment to happen. My daughter Tarryn and i just love you tuts, what you have done by telling your story has helped so many larger look at life in a different light. And the most important thing is the prayer you prayed and your Bible readings. Be proud of you you are and what you achieve each day, God made you to be unique, I most certianly at any age have done what you do, For all this you are Bleesed love Lyn xx

  17. I see the SAME beautiful women in BOTH pictures. I am so glad The Lord brought you into my life and I have the honor to call you a friend. Words hurt, but believe the words of those that love you and would never judge you. So any times I see what all you have accomplished and am amazed. Your weight does not determine who you are. The light of Christ that comes from you does. Keep shining my friend <3

  18. Hi, Rose,

    Words do hurt, but only to the extent you allow them to. Remember that… Don’t let a misguided soul change the image or thoughts you had about this great picture – doing so would be given this person a power she doesn’t deserve or have. BTW, you both look awesome and in love – no one can take that away!

  19. Yes..words do hurt.. and I can think of instances where I truly wish I could take back things that have come flying out of my mouth.. …and I have have things said to me over my life .. they do hurt…always a work in progress….thanks for posting…..

  20. You are so correct that words can hurt. I’m sorry that someone was so unkind to you. Now that you have resolved the situation, you can move forward and always look at that photo with love and happiness, as you did previously. There are not too many people in the world who are the same size as they were in high school and college. You are an amazing godly woman and your value, worth, and esteem will always be based on more than the words of others. I appreciate that you shared this. It is a good reminder to watch the words spoken (and typed) to others.

  21. I have noticed in my life that when someone constantly belittles you it is because they are unhappy. You know that old saying, “Misery loves company”. I have a home based bakery like you (only not near as large as yours) and I was doing it with a friend. She is like the person you are speaking of. I felt constant conflict because I felt the need to separate from her but I knew with her personality it would be ugly. I felt God telling me to split, that I would be even more successful on my own but I didn’t want her going psycho on me. We split a few weeks ago and that is exactly what happened. As she was sitting in church she was texting me that “I don’t care if I never work another day in my life I will spend every minute of every day destroying your business”. Also personally attacking me about how much money “she thinks” my husband makes, how I only “think” my house is clean, and that I don’t have a photographic memory. It was a horrible day, I felt betrayed, belittled, and hurt. But let me tell you this, God knew what needed to happen with that situation. My business is busier than it has ever been. People from the community are joining my page and telling me that they would have done it sooner if she wasn’t a part of it. God has all of us in His hands and He will get us through anything!
    Great job getting her out of your life. We don’t need to let the devil attack us through people in our lives. I’ve been following your blog for a while now and use your tutorials often. You are beautiful on the inside and out. Keep doing what your doing and you will continue to be blessed.
    Let the Son shine!

  22. Hi Rose,
    I feel so badly for you! You did not deserve that rude comment, and she should be ashamed of yourself – but I don’t believe she is, nor does she get it! You have more than enough proof. Sometimes repeated offenders do not deserve the benefit of the doubt because their words and actions reflect who they REALLY are… Insensitive and rude!

    When i first saw your pictures, I thought how gorgeous YOU, Ritchy and your kids are, truly! You and Ritchie are still so cute!!!

    At this current time, I am forced to keep a promise made to myself 15 years earlier, to severe any relationship with my sis-in-law and my brother, whom I love but not longer respect. Her own family problems was brought into my family as soon as she dated my brother. She couldn’t handle the close and loving relationship between my brother and I, and over the years set out to create situations to divide us. They hurtful part was that it worked! He only heard her side (never belieiving she was the instigator), and worst yet… Would call me and start yelling accusations. Naturally, I heard her in the background egging him on fueling the fire she instill in him. Once I was able to get to him, he stopped doing that and backed off. We have been going on 15 years fairly quiet, when a recent miscommunication (Between them), put my back in the enemy hit-list. She once again czlled me and started screaming. I was at a doctor appt with my 83 year old Mom, and told her I aasn’t goi g to talk to her if she didn’t calm down. Well. With that she repeated my words to her and hung up on me. It was like dejavu!!! This time, I texted my brother about what just happened and after several text messages, it was clear that he is still taking her side. I was so angry and very disappointed but I should have known!

    No one can hurt you, unless you let them! Long and hard lesson with people we care or cared about but we would be fools to continue to let them in. Sorry for my story but thanks for listening.

    Be happy and live your beautiful life with your wonderful and gorgrous family!!!

  23. Ha! I see so much jealously in those two words! She was looking for a way to build herself up by belittling you. Wonder what faults she wanted to cover up by putting negative attention on the two of you? SOOO glad you unfriended and deleted her from your life. We don’t need that kind around. Kindness, intelligence, loving, generous–you are all these things and more. What is she by posting those remarks? Unsure, jealous, little minded, spiteful, harmful, self-centered, lacking in social skills, and no knowledge of the Bible! Have a nice day, Rose!

  24. Rose you are a beautiful woman and an incredibly loving and devotees and mother, as, well as an amazingly talented person. Negative people are detractors; they are like irregular merchandise that will never reach a useful state. I have gained a lot more than you have since high school. My favorite, teacher saw me out at an event one day and was so distressed, she teared up and said, “Oh, dear! WHAT has become of my beautiful slender girl? ”
    Whatever, became of tact? Compassion? Respect? Just plain old manners?
    LIFE happened. Some hard times, mostly good times, but, very very busy times where I devoted myself to taking care of my loved ones. Yes I neglected myself . And every time I look in a, mirror, every time I see a, picture of myself , every time I have to go shopping, believe you me, I am, well aware I don’t, look like I did at 16,17,20, 24, 30, 40…..You know, . I am NOT the person I was . I have lived, . Loved, learned, lost, grown in ways that young girl could, never comprehend . You know what else? I would not trade places with that girl. I have a lifetime of knowing my God provides,protects, comforts ,strengthens , and loves me. And he has, taught me to ask 3 questions before I speak….is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? And if it’s not, to shut my mouth.
    Keep doing what you are doing, sweet Rose.

  25. Rose, don’t you dare let those words change your happy thoughts of great dating memories! I wish I could like all the uplifting comments. There probably aren’t many among us who are at their dating years appearance. I feel I have earned every wrinkle, gray hair and expanded fat cell. Yep, could make changes, would lime to for health reasons, but overall I am happy with a great family. That part of us is what God will judge, not that we put on pounds or aged gracefully or not. Do what you do and keep up the grand and great work! And the photos are wonderful – times may change, but those smiles look genuine and like they are meant to be together – enjoy life and be continually blessed. Thanks for blessing us with your talent 🙂

  26. I think you are beautiful. The picture is lovely. You are such a talent. Please don’t let small minds hurt you. Much love, from Iowa.

  27. What I see is a gorgeous young couple…obviously happy…filled hopes and dreams and love…for their future. In the second photo…the same gorgeous couple…a few years later…with a beautiful, bountiful family. Rose, when I see you, I see only the beautiful, loving, gracious, generous, pure-hearted woman of God that you are…you are amazing…I am so proud of the leader that you are…you manage a home and family, a home business, leadership in your church family, stay connected to all of your family, share your caking experience, and many recipes. life experiences, and Godly wisdom with the masses. Rose, you are the Proverbs 31 woman….no words of negativity can ever tarnish that fact. You prayed for her before deleting her. You are TRULY an amazing example of God’s love for many to follow! I love you!
    P.S. and just for the record…YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!

  28. Let her go Rose, and stay clear of her. She is miserable and unhappy and wants to bring you down to her level. Don’t give her the satisfaction of doing that to you. Just be glad you aren’t evil like her. If she was a good person she would still be married. You have a great husband and wonderful family. God blessed you with that so don’t let the devil bring you down.

  29. HI Rose, I have been following your blog for awhile now. I love your cakes and words to us. I feel we are friends though we have not met yet. Someday maybe..
    When I saw the pictures my thoughts where how great you looked then and how BEAUTIFUL you are now standing there with the love of your life. AND 6 beautiful children that GOD has blessed you with. God gave you many children, but he chose not to take the baby weight gain away. I am sure he has reasons and they have not been reveiled yet. He has a job for you too help someone and he will tell you when he is ready. It may be that your weight is how you will get to know the person so you can communicate with them. May GOD’s love all ways be with you.
    BETTY Shelbyville, IN

  30. Dear Rose,

    For what it’s worth (nothing, really), I believe you handled the situation in the most gracious way possible. I am glad that her unkindness is not a regular intrusion into your life, and I think your course of action was a wise one.

    Please know that you are cherished by many that do not know you in person — the passionate comments which this post has received are surely evidence of that. I do hope that this love and care from around the world can somehow ease the full pain of her cruelty.

    I pray that the Lord shall restore to you the joy which that picture truly holds and heal the pain caused by her comment. I’d also like to thank you for sharing this particular grouping of Bible verses, as the subject of watching my own words has been a weight upon my mind.

    Peace be with you.

  31. I think you ARE awesome looking!!! A mom that obviously does 10 jobs at least!!! Be proud of yourself, we all know that there enough naysayers to make us cry buckets daily, but that is their burden not ours. We love them because we are taught to love, their lives are not happy so the need to make others unhappy is almost unstoppable. The cuteness of you & your love is indeed special, could almost be a prom pic!! Bless you and your family. xo 🙂

  32. Hi Rose, I can only say you look so happy now and then. A beautiful and happy family. God bless you. Congratulations for your site.

  33. On the left I see a gorgeous young couple, their love shining through. On the right, a gorgeous, slightly older couple, their enduring, wonderful love clear for all to see. You are just so, so lucky to have that and she knows it. X

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